Not Him
by SiiAh
Summary: See the world of Zutara through Aang's eyes. Not Katara or Zuko, Aang.[ZK]
1. Chapter 1

I was bored and felt like writing this. This is a one sided kataraxaang. So yea, but this is Zutara. I just wanted to show ppl how Aang's feeling is toward their relashionship. This might be off, since I didn't edit it, didn't feel like it...

So enjoy!

* * *

I saw everything.

The way she dreamily smiled when _his _name was said.

The way that she fought with him—she wasn't protecting me; she was just having a playful spar, seeing whose better. It was never aggressive, and sometimes when she tackled him, no one would see how she secretly kissed him on the cheek and silently whispered in his ear—but me.

I would watch her abstractedly stare at the sea, waiting for _him_ to show up so she can blow a kiss when she thinks no one is looking. I would watch her get up at midnight, tiptoeing around obstacles so she can run her way into the forest to meet _him _again.

I watched her from the beginning it all started, the night she was just taking a silent walk, and she had to bump into _him_. They attacked each other, I would've helped, but seeing as she was trying to protect me, I didn't want to interfere. She was winning, using her advantages; the flowing river and the moon. They fought with insults as I silently cheered her on, but that changed when she accidentally tripped and fell on him.

When she did however, she also accidentally kissed him. Square on the lips.

I don't know how it really started, but they just laid there looking at each other's eyes. When she rolled off him, they just sat in silence until he left without a goodbye. I wanted to go talk to her, ask her if she was alright, but I couldn't move. The girl I loved kissed someone—no not someone, my enemy. It was an accident, but I still felt anger pulse through me. And when she got up and pasted me, she didn't even notice I was there. She was so distant. Even in the morning.

I don't know how it happened. But when we had an encounter with him late at night, she was different. So was he.

From then, I always watched her get up at midnight to meet him. I'm not sure why she wanted too, or how she knew he was going to be there, but he was. And soon later, they fell in love after some time of their midnight meetings.

Not with me.

Him.

I would follow, and every night I would be betrayed. They would share kisses, hugs, loving whispers, and they would talk nothing but their imaginary future together. Marriage, children, growing old, and much more.

What would I do?

I would just watch them.

Watch them hold each other, watch them kiss each other, watch them caress each other…and I did nothing.

I wanted her first. I loved her first. She was mine first, I would always think. Sometimes I would pretend I'm him, she saying I love you's to me, not him.

It would be me.

Not him.

Sometimes I would wonder when they would break up, but it never happened. Sure, she said it was wrong, and was betraying me, but she did it anyway. They kept it a secret, and I always knew. I wish I didn't though…

—no, I'm glad I knew. Then I wouldn't act like a fool, and when I told her I loved her, it would make her cry and say no. I probably would cry too. But that was if I didn't know.

But I did.

I keep my love for her a secret, and secretly watch her love another man.

I wish it was me.

Not him.

Sometimes they would have a spar, just to practice and see whose better. He would always let her win; playfully saying 'I'll get you next time'. Sometimes she lost purposely, and pretended to be hurt, so she could see the look on his guilty, fearful face. The first time I almost believed her, but I didn't ruin my cover. She was faking, I could tell, I knew her more.

I did.

Not him.

Now as I watch in through the bushes, as I did almost every night, I watch them do the same. Hold each other, kiss, and share loving words as always. And I would pretend it was me, not him.

"Katara, did I ever tell you, that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen?"

"Oh yes Zuko. And did I ever tell you that you have the most handsome face I've ever seen."

After a few seconds, they kissed deeply, she moaning with pleasure.

"Yes…"

He murmured between breaths of their ever-lasting famous kiss. I was used to this, I was used to keeping my mantra saying,

'Not him, not him, not me, me, not him, not him…me…'

Sometimes she would look at me straight in the eyes, and I would wonder if she could see me. But she never did. I wish she did. She would feel sad for me and would come back to my arms and say she loves me. Not him.

But I could only dream.

And hope.

I knew it would never happen.

She loves him, not me.

That's how it will ever be.

* * *

Review if you want it continued, I think it's a oneshot tho, but just review and tell me otherwise or agree. Whatever, my other story updates will be up soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Here is somthing i think everyone will enjoy. Im going to warn you know, im not a aang and katara shipper, (i almost despise the pairing, sorry --) but i put some one sided aangkataraness,sorry i dont like the pairing, but i still like aang. And ipersonally feel bad for him.ENJOY!

(P.S bad news ppl, im beginning a cold, and i mite be a little slow on updating, i feel like crap rite now. sorry for that too... --')

* * *

I know she's going to leave.

She and him, together. They talked about running away together because the war was over, and because we won against Lord Ozai.

Yes, he joined us right before it—she convinced him. It worked.

It always did.

Her brother didn't know about her relationship with him. Nobody did in fact.

But me.

They always lied through their teeth when they were questioned about their secrets. No hesitation, they just lied.

"I was getting fire wood, I needed some help so Zuko came over…"

"We're going to practice over there, more water for Katara. And you guys don't want to be 'accidentally' hit, do you?"

"I just thought I heard something over there, but it was just Zuko…"

None of these lies fazed me. I knew what they did. I knew better then to question their answers like her brother.

But now, since the war was over, he is emperor. And she is just a regular peasant. Now they could never be together. No water nation peasant could be with a fire nation lord.

That cheered me up. Now she could be with me instead.

Not him.

But no…she was going to leave, today.

I watched their midnight conversation once again last night. I wanted to be him. I wanted to propose to her that night and ask her to run away with me to get married.

Not him.

He didn't care for being emperor anymore. He just wanted to be with her and that was all that mattered. But I don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave me…

I just wish she said no to the engagement ring. Why did she say yes?

…Because she loves him.

Not me.

I spent the whole day crying after. No one knew why though, I lied to them all. I knew how, _they_ did it all the time, so…why couldn't I?

But I knew crying was not going to solve anything; I always remembered—Action. Must resolve situation with _action_.

So now here I am, walking in the rain finding her to maybe change her mind. Maybe she would say she loved me this whole time, and say she was only acting in front of him. She would say she loved me.

Not him.

_Me_.

But that was too good to be true. I was just desperate.

I knew where she would be, the beach. He said he'd meet her there, pick her up and go far away, and let his Uncle rule.

He told his Uncle about his love on a note he'd left; he said his Uncle would be happy. He knew.

I wish I could be that carefree to just let her go. I know his Uncle loved his nephew much, but he would know it would be for the best, and let him go where his heart desires. I couldn't, no. I loved her too much. I couldn't let her go like the wind, just waiting to be grasped. The water could only grasp it, not the wind. But she never did. Instead, she took over fire. She melted it, into her hands.

I wish it was me.

Not him.

Squinting through the fog of the rain, I saw her. I lifted a hand above my head when I went into the clearing from the woods. I didn't like rain anymore. It betrayed too much and it always caused me to cry. I could never feel the tranquility of it anymore, the softness, and the refreshing taste. No, not anymore. Not after what she had done. When she left for fire, rain was only the bitterness to someone's soul.

And there she was. Sitting on the wet damp sand, or should I say, _dirt_.

She was soaked, her chocolate brown hair limp and plastered to her forehead and back, undone. She never put her hair into braids anymore, not after when he said he liked it down.

I liked it braided. Not down.

Her gaze was far off over the horizon, as if she seen the sea for the first time. She was so… _beautiful_…

...I loved her first.

I sucked in a breath, pulled my guts together, and used my well-practiced voice when I was around her. I tried to not know what was going on.

"What are you doing out here, Katara?"

She jumped slightly at her name being addressed and then turned to face me. Somehow she really wasn't that completely surprised…

"Um…I just need some time alone, Aang."

It meant, 'Not now Aang, I'm running away from my life, soon to be with my _real_ love (not you), so could you _please_ leave?'

"Oh," I said stated quietly, but I wasn't going to leave her. I sat next to her, and looked at her. She wasn't paying attention.

"So…how long did you know?" Her voice rasped quietly.

I froze. From my toes all the way to my head, froze—even my heart.

She knew? I stuttered. I couldn't breath.

It was completely silent.

Like reading my thoughts she said softly, "yes I knew Aang…I knew you were going to be here. I saw you one time…how long Aang?"

I looked away. I wanted to kiss her and hold her and say 'I knew from the time it started, why Katara why did you betray me?' But I kept my mouth shut. Sighing and closing my eyes, I answered, "Katara, why are you leaving?" Fighting back a tear, I continued wearily, "where will you go? Why marry him…" I gulped a lump.

She looked at her hands, and I saw that not only the rain was wetting them, it was her tears too

"I love him Aang…you need to understand. Why are you making this harder for me?"

'Why are you making this harder for me, Katara?' I wanted to shout, but I bit my tongue.

Her love would soon be here… Maybe now is the time to capture her and never let her see the light of day again. And hold her forever. Love her forever…

I wish I could do that. But…

"So how long…did you know? Say the truth…please…" She whispered softly.

I was not going to lie to her, andwith pleading eyes, I stared at her and said quietly, "when it...started…"

She choked a sob, and burst into tears, cupping her face. "Why is this so hard. I love my family, but I love him…too…"

I couldn't take this. No. I can't let her cry. Just…WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME?

"Go where your heart desires Katara, I'm not stopping you…"

I said it softly, almost inaudibly. I was crying again, tears bitter as ever falling down my cheeks. My heart beat an extra thump when I just drained in what I said.

…It was the right thing, I couldn't make her sad…she wanted to be with him…

Not me.

She jumped at my choice of words, and looked at me with astonishment. Wide-eyed.

"You mean that Aang?"

I wanted to say 'No, please, I love you Katara, marry me, don't go away. Love me instead, I'll make you happier than _him_…'

But I nodded only slightly, not because I wanted to—because I had to.

Still wide-eyed, she finally beamed at me. She leapt from her spot, and jumped on me, hugging me tightly. "Thank you Aang, you don't know how much this means to me!" she choked out, sobbing her tears happily.

I hugged her back. I wanted her to do more. Like hug me like she did to him, kiss me like she did to him, and love me like she did to him.

But she didn't.

…At least I have a hug...

Taking a sniff of her hair, I could still smell her ocean breeze softness, which was a blessing to one's empty sole.

Like mine.

I could feel her skin cold, but soft as a feather. And now as she let go and stared deeply into my eyes, I could see her beautiful deep crystal blue eyes. The first time she looked at me like that in along time. Staring right into my eyes.

She smiled larger and said, "Aang you the most best friend a friend could ever have. Thank you for being my friend. I love you and Sokka, tell him that, and if you get a chance, tell Gran-Gran I love her too. I hope everyone else understands like you do…"

I said nothing, a single tear traced down my cheek, but she didn't notice, she thought it was the rain.

She said she loved me.

All I needed to hear.

I hugged her for her words, and I wished I could never let her go. Is this how he felt when he hugged her?

The indescribable feeling of ecstasy?

"I have to go Aang, please make Sokka understand…"

I don't even understand. I wish I did. I wish I knew how you could love him and not me.

Why him?

And not me?

I would never understand.

I nodded dumbly, but pretended knowingly. She smiled and laid a very quick, very soft kiss on my cheek.

I just sat there. She kissed my cheek. Finally letting a smile tug up on my lips she stood up looking to the horizon.

Touching my cheek, I had a short flash back on the last time she kissed my cheek. The memory was so long ago…

I didn't notice her turn her gaze on me.

"Bye Aang…" Once her foot touched the ground to move forward, I shouted,

"Wait! I'll-I'll miss you…"

"I'll miss you too, Aang. But you already know that," she said, a frown curling up her lips.

"You'll come back right?" I asked softly, quiet but she could still hear.

"Of course Aang…Bye, and say I'm sorry to Sokka, make him understand, please…"

With that, she smiled once again, and ran near the shore.

Where will you go?

And then she left. Just like that. She ran into the water, seeing her beloved on his own ship waiting. The rain caressed them as they ran through the water toward each other. They hugged, kissed, and he lead her to his small ship without a backward glance.

And I…I just stood there.

I knew she wasn't coming back.

I knew she wouldn't see me again.

I felt out with my mind; almost blank. I could think of nothing, but just stare where she once stood. Why?

It was too confusing.

It was too much.

I slipped slowly to my knees, still staring after her. She would have stayed if I had spoken. If I had told her everything I had truly felt. I was sure of that much. I wish I told her…I wish I told her that I…

—That I love her.

…I wish she loved me.

Not him.

* * *

plz review, and tell me its not corny. or it is...watever. im going back to bed, and guess what! im not going to school tomarrow, cuz i feel like fucking shit! k. all i need to say.

Jackie


End file.
